Santa's Letters (If Santa Answered Honestly)
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all
yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about I send you a f**king book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least
HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid Mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give
up that dream. Let me get you some nice LEGOs instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog,
a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid Francis, nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me
a bottle of scotch.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted
to know.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself Marky, that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house,
you live in a low-rent project. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
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There's a million more funnies on this site.. I might as well just share the site name with ya's instead of posting them all!
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/...christmas.html
Santa's Letters (If He Responded)
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